do i always need a title?

Man, coming up with blog titles is difficult sometimes!

Well, despite all the excitement on Friday night at work, I survived. Life marches forward for all I guess. But, the best part of my weekend was yet to come.

I had probably the most amazing Valentine's Day I have ever had. I mean, V-Day is hard to quantify as an adult, cause it hearkens back to memories of those books of cards and paper bags taped to the front of desks, but as an adult it takes on different meanings. In any case, I spent 14 hours in the company of R (Linds, yes, it's an R too), and enjoyed every moment of it, and I am reasonably certain he did too. Admittedly, the 2000+ miles that separate us were a bit of an obstacle, but the wonders of the internet made up for it. We just literally hung out, talking, made lunch and dinner together, and just thoroughly enjoyed each others company. We 'met' again for lunch on Monday, and just hung out, even more literally than before. He sat there on my screen just being "in the room" reading his book, while I did my reading for midterms. Did the same thing on Tuesday night. I am really enjoying the fact that we can simply 'be' - there is no pressure to entertain or perform for the other party. I am finally feeling a connection with someone, and remembering what a good feeling it is to have. We have a lot of similar interests, but some dissimilar ones as well, which I believe is a healthy part of any friendship.

Clearly, this (and I can't really define 'this' right now) is new territory for me (distance and all), and it is new for him as well. But right now, it works. And that is fine for me.

Another thing that I have been struggling with is hard drive space. R and I have been exchanging a lot of music, and my hard drive is filling up! So I decided to peel off some of my massive collection of photos, which are mostly archival anyways, and I got looking through my collection.

What do you do with pictures of past boyfriends?

Obviously, none of these relationships was a waste, but I feel like I am keeping them as some sort of reminder? I went through and culled the silly ones, because I feel they don't matter as much, but what about the two of you on a birthday dinner? I am having trouble finding a defining line, but at the same time, am strangely ambivalent about it. It's odd.

Anyways, those are my musings!

I'm out...

uh, what?

So we always joke at work about how Harewood is a bad neighbourhood, calling it Scarewood, etc. I admit, that when I walk home late at night, I don't listen to my iPod, and try to have someone on the phone with me when I do. However, nothing serious has happened...

Until tonight. We heard a kerfuffle in the parking lot next to the drive thru, and there were these girls running and screaming through the parking lot, but we couldn't tell what was happening, and it was Friday night, so we dismissed it. 20 seconds later, they come tearing in the front door, one girl is sobbing, her face is completely bashed in, and there is blood all over her face and her front, and dripping on the floor. Customers got up, the two girls I was working with ran over, and I grabbed the phone and called 9-1-1 for an ambulance. Meanwhile, this woman is sobbing terribly. Ambulance dispatcher asks to speak with the girl who is with the beaten one, so I give the phone over. I notice a cop car pulling up outside, so I snap my fingers to get one of the girls attention, and send her out (the cops are always around, it is a coffee shop after all). Well, the cope acted like she was all inconvenienced. The phone is now handed over the cop, and the one accompanying girl is like "Don't tell the cop! We don't want them after us!" and being all attitude. There is so much noise and racket, between the girl crying and the cop trying to get information, and freakin' Frank Sinatra belting "New York, New York" on the background music... meanwhile, people are STILL ORDERING DRINKS!!!!

In any case, the night settled down, and all ended well. It was just my first brush with the 'dark' side of Harewood. Hopefully there aren't many more!

PS: We all decided to try and wear the same look, and it looks pretty darned cute, I must say!

how do i love thee, let me count the ways...

Oh Nanaimo... this is the only city I can think of where you can smell poop from the mill, nearly walk in dog shit (twice, and yes, right on the sidewalk) and step in a puddle of puke (also in the middle of the sidewalk) in the span of about 5 minutes...

There are so many reasons to stay here, don't you agree?

Anyways, in regards to my earlier post, I was asked the question "Are you leaving because of a need to slip back into a comfort zone, or to flee the feeling of loneliness?" And to be completely honest, I am not sure. There are probably elements of both in my situation. I don't want to give anyone the impressions that I have decided to move - cause I haven't.

This part of my life is a new chapter for me. I've had a lot of new chapters, and I am not sure that I like this one in particular. I feel a bit like I am blundering through this one... However, any decision making that needs to be done will be done in due course. In the meantime, I am just living my life.

Admittedly, poo-smell, dog shit and puke don't really add up to a pleasant experience, but hey, instead of getting angry at the city, all I did was produce a type of rueful chuckle and kept going to school.

School today has been, interesting. In my one course, the project we are working on takes a lot of time, but we don't have a lot of direction. Lots of meetings with classmates outside of the regular class hours, but it's ok. I came up to the school today, got lost trying to find the student lounge I was meeting my group in, and then found them in another building. I then moved on to lunch, and then was supposed to have another meeting... that got cancelled. So I had to kill a couple of hours, tried to find dinner. The cafeteria had a single portion of Veggie Lasagna left - so I ate it. Probably won't agree with me later, but there we are.

My Media on Film class starts in about five minutes, so I should probably wrap this up. We are watching The Great Dictator tonight. Charlie Chaplin as Hitler. It should be interesting at the very lease.

I feel like I have a lot to say in my life right now, just need to find the time and the words to get it out.

quiet thanks

I had a terrible weekend. Saturday was spent indoors, sleeping in, feeling sorry for myself. It got worse when I got into a convo with one of the exes that was really really upsetting me. I could feel myself sliding into a bit of an emotional pit, and I was clawing desperately at something to not have it happen, but alas, I couldn't prevent it.

I watched a movie, then watched another movie, and in the middle of the second movie, I started crying for some odd reason. Which turned into sobbing, which turned into bawling, which turned into the hyperventilating-panicky crying when you just cannot stop. I ended up curled up on my bed, sobbing. I haven't been in such a dark place in a very long time, and it just reinforced how fragile I can be sometimes, and it is honestly something that scares me. I have been so moody lately, and it is not a feeling a like. I can literally go from 'fine' to 'fuck off' in 5 minutes flat. My grandfather had similar traits, and I don't want that, I don't like them.

However, the reason for the quiet thanks is this. Hannah talked me down over iChat in the middle of my lowest point, offering words of encouragement when they were needed most, and I felt like there was no one else that I could talk to. I owe her a gratitude for that. I also owe RH thanks - I have quickly learned that he is amazing at delivering little tidbits that prop me back up when I am feeling low, which has admittedly been quite a bit lately. His advice is never patronizing, nor 'lecturing,' just good solid words. It's like he holds up a mirror so I can see exactly what I am saying, and also reflects how much strength I actually have. It is people like these, and Linds and Claire and I am sure others that I am forgetting, that are always content to listen, and for that I give quiet and humble thanks.

It is that strength that is ebbing. I am running out of the chutzpah to stay here in Nanaimo. This city is so difficult to exist in, especially without my car. My finances are strained to the breaking point, and I have no friends here. No one that I can talk to, no one that I can go for a walk with, just classmates. I feel like a prisoner in my own townhome - my life is confined to 7 square blocks. It's 0.8 miles to work, and 0.9 to school. That is my life. I can always count on my brother in law for support, but I can't let things fly in front of him - the Dave filter gets switched on, and I start tempering my language, and downplaying how I am feeling.

So I am using this blog to say this: I am extremely unhappy here. That sums it up. I am still mulling my options, but I might just bail back to Victoria at the end of this term, or partway through the summer. I applied for a part-time job at the school, which would increase my income, easing the financial stress and allowing me to operate my car again, which would make this city more bearable in the short term. But if the job falls through (and I have a feeling it may have already), I will likely be back in Victoria soon.

I feel like "the grass is always greener" is kicking in here... again. But being here is stressing me out, and my temper runs shorter and shorter with each passing week. And I am drinking more...

Here is my logic for moving:

Nanaimo:
- No car
- Earn $1000/month tops
- Spend $1000/month
- Know no one
- Frustration abound

Victoria:
- Could slip back into the job at UVic in the blink of eye (thanks to union seniority) at $14+/hour
- I have a support network there
- Could transfer to a Starbucks there
- Live on my own

I realize this list seems cursory, and it is. But at this point, I don't know what feels right anymore. I can remember a time when Nanaimo felt right.

Linds, your the Virgo... any advice?

I am done with the emotional rollercoaster for now. I need to knuckle down and get some schoolwork done. But I just needed to put this all out there.

And be reminded of the important people that step into my life and change it.

hello from the backroom

It's true, for those of you who need proof... I have become a Starbucks boy. The only one at my store, actually. All that high-up and heavy stuff on the shelves? That's why I'm there...

interior

I spent this past weekend doing very little. Naturally, there was some beer at the pub on Friday. And then a movie... and then pizza... and more beer. Then the remembering that I worked at 8am on Saturday morning. I slogged my way into work, and then I moved on with the day. A one hour nap turned into a two hour nap... which turned into a groggy evening at home for Dave.

Sunday saw me doing errandy-type stuff, reading for class, and getting Chris from the ferry terminal. All told, it was a very quiet and low-key weekend. I also considered reorganizing my room yesterday, but I will have to see how the week progresses before I expend any energy on
that particular department.

I have also spent a significant portion of the weekend (and indeed, the last few weeks) speaking with a particular individual, a person who makes me feel really good about myself. I hope that I have the same effect on them as well. I have been "juggling" how that makes me feel, and I continue to juggle it. It is not a bad thing, by any means... just new territory for me to navigate, emotionally speaking. You know who you are, and I know you are reading this, and I just hope
that it makes sense. I used to censor my blog - but that was one of my promises I made to myself when I re-started the blog a few months ago, to no longer censor myself to match my potential audience.

In any case, I have schoolwork left to do, and the parents are coming to visit this afternoon, gonna take Chris and I out for dinner, so I should get cracking!