musings on strength

As I mentioned in my previous post, my friend Lindsay has started her Friday Photo Challenge over on her blog, Destined to be an old woman with no regrets. Part of the challenge, beyond posting a photo that works with the theme, is to comment on the other contributors as well. So on this grey, Sunday morning in Nanaimo, I grabbed my coffee cup and started perusing the other contributors pages.

There are so many definitions of strength, so many different ways it can be interpreted. The photo submissions were all excellent, as were the explanations and comments that ran along with them. But it was in reading A Garden for Butterflies that I was particularly struck.

This individual has suffered an unimaginable loss, that would destroy so many people. She writes in her post:

"Friends have called me "strong"; my psychiatrist called me "resilient". Instead of feeling complimented, I feel offended. I don't feel strong, I am not exhibiting behaviors of a strong person. By saying "strong" and "resilient" it feels like people are telling me "you're doing great, keep up the good work."

That comment struck home for me. We all struggle through life. The author of those words lost a child, the Steadfast Warrior lost two children before they were born, and I struggled with my homosexuality for years. While I can't even begin to calculate the loss of a child, I can empathize with those words. People can tell you that you are strong, and perhaps, on some level those words help just a tiny little bit. But I don't think that they offer the level of support that the speaker intends.

We live in a world that is obsessed with our privacy. We seldom share the 'reality' that occupies our souls and hearts and minds. People are always saying how lucky I am, how I am so good natured and easy going. While coming to terms with the fact that I was gay, I kept reading about what a liberating experience it is, to express ones freedom, etc etc yadda yadda yadda. But the fact is, I am not as happy as I appear all the time, and never was. It is an act, a facade. During my struggle, I went home every night, at one level ashamed of who I was, and wanting to crawl out of my skin, just to end the internal conflict. I was even entertaining suicidal thoughts at one point. And while that part of my life is over, and I have settled into being comfortable with who I am, the fact that I was so unhappy to the point of being suicidal remains with me. The fright of being capable of those thoughts will be with me for the rest of my life. Which is why, when people are constantly calling me happy, it can feel hollow, just like telling a grieving mother how strong they were must be. Small words said with kind intent, but with small effect.

Strength is not physical, and it is not endurance. Strength is the power to change, the power to adapt and emerge new. It is a process. Life throws all of us obstacles, some more than others. Just because someone has overcome an obstacle once, twice, or three times does not mean that they can get over each and every one for the rest of their lives.

I am not advocating that we should stop saying these things. Rather, I have a different proposal. I also fully acknowledge that the words I am about to write here are words I need to take to heart myself:

The next time you are compelled to say to someone "Look how strong you are," stop and think. Are you saying it because you are not sure what to say? Or what help or assistance or love you can offer? If you are, use those words instead. Tell the person that you want to help, and need to know how. I expect that those words will carry far more weight than "You're so strong."

We need to think before we speak.

And I'm out.

friday photo challenge

My friend Lindsay, the Steadfast Warrior, has started a Friday photo challenge. You can see the details over on her blog, but here are my contribution(s).

This is the side of Le Sainte Chappelle in Paris. It is renowned for being gothic but so light at the same time. Look at the size of the windows.

The Eiffel Tower

This is the roof of Market Square.

quiet

I have been going through a phase of just quietly existing, or at least trying to. Much of the frustration I mentioned in a previous post has been dealt with in one way or another. Namely, the Olympics finally figured out my schedule, and my student loan was deposited on Friday night, and not a moment too soon.

The only annoyance left to dispose of is the evicted roommate. I find that now, everything he does is that much more annoying, and it is all stupid stuff. Take the microwave... he just punches in time, and then opens the door when he thinks it is done. Which leaves the microwave sitting there with random numbers like "00:07" or "15:32" on it. It drives me nuts. Stupid, yes. His girlfriend is here CONSTANTLY now, and they have started taking long showers... together. Like 40 mins worth. In a house with only one bathroom, I think that is inconsiderate. Anyways, he is gone at the end of the month - one week today. Is it work mentioning? I think not.

My other roommate has been so patient through all of this. I really am lucky to have her around, cause she has put up with a lot from the other roomie. I haven't found anyone else to move in with us, but that is almost good, because we have to get the wall patched, and it will be easier to do it when the room is vacant.

In any case, I need to focus on the good, and on the things that I can change.

That's the moral.

And I'm out.

scattered

My student loan is in the process of being un-messed-up, and I am also in the process of detangling my Olympic volunteer schedule. I am also still trying to lay out my semester, and information doesn't seem to be as forthcoming as it has been in previous terms. Now that the roommate has been evicted (he is here until the end of the month, though) I find all of the stuff he is doing exceedingly annoying.

All of this results in feeling scattered and a bit out of control, which is not pleasant, and in turn results in a short fuse. I know what the problem is, and I know there is resolution coming soon on all fronts. Student Loans has my updated banking information, and I have contacted VANOC about my schedule. The roommate, while annoying, is weeks away from moving, and I have found a replacement that both Sam and I are pleased with. That being said, the feeling still remains. My short fuse resulted in my snapping at R. this morning, which wasn't fair.

To add to all the fun, I also have a beaut of a headache. Part of a trend of headaches, actually. But that is another story.

Time to step back, and focus on the positive. I also need to purge some 'stuff' out of my life, cause I feel like I am endlessly tidying and putting away and moving about, but not accomplishing much. So I am going to work out a plan for that in the coming days.

I'm out.

unimpressed

In other news, I evicted one of the roommates last week. Jan 2 to be exact. It just wasn't working... he asked me for permission for a couple of parties, which I granted, outlining that it is a family complex, etc... and apparently there was no problem.

But there was. Two noise complaints were lodged from the strata council - three means we can't ever rent. He demolished two of those in less than 10 days. Then I found out that at his New Year's party, some of his guests were in/slept in our other roommates bedroom. Which is completely not cool. So we asked him to leave... and he was ok with it.

So I posted the ad on Craig's List, and have had one pickup, which is great. That person is coming to view it today, which is also great. So I went into J's room to open it up and air it out, and found this:


Yes, a giant hole (and accompanying dent) in the wall under the window. GRRRRR!!!! It sucks enough that the whole even exists - what sucks even more is getting it fixed. We have lovely 1970s textured drywall. Which is a BITCH to replace.

This is an example of why a person gets a damage deposit. But seriously dude, were you not gonna tell me? Just move out and be like "oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you..."

What other delights are hiding behind his furniture?

two months!!!

Whoops... looks like it has been two months since I posted last. I guess I temporarily fell off the blogger bandwagon...

The last two months have passed without any great event. R and I hit some rocky territory, but we worked through (and continue to work through) it, and are both much happier people as a result. And, on January 1, we celebrated 1 year from the day we were introduced. For us, it is a milestone - a one year anniversary, and a personal milestone, in that this is the longest relationship I have been in. Certainly, it has not been without the odd challenge, but I think that the two of us are settling grandly into a very genuine relationship. I know I have never felt as comfortable as I do now.



The fall semester wrapped up fairly tidily... I did 4 courses, and got 2 A's and 2 A-'s, which is nothing to sneeze at. My GPA is now 7.90 out of 9, which means that I am on the Dean's List, and will graduate "with distinction" if I don't royally screw things up. The high point of my semester was my course called "Studies in Globalization." It was a variable-content course, so this term's focus was 'Terrorism and Fundamentalism in the Novel." A lot of the terminology in the course was quite steep, for lack of a better term. However, I seemed to do pretty well in it, and wrote my paper on how post-modern architecture could be interpreted as a method of terror, connecting it with real buildings, and the spaces contrived in a couple of the novels that the class read. Well, I got an A+ on the paper, and the professor was sufficiently impressed with it that he offered me the chance to a directed reading/directed study on that topic if I wanted. It's something to think about, as I am hoping to do a course in one of the summer sessions, and if there isn't anything good for my degree, then I could take him up on the offer of directed studies. We shall see.

The exam period went pretty well, I had only three this year. Two on the same day, and then one on the 18th. Unfortunately, I ended up in the hospital earlier in December, having woke up very ill and throwing up blood. This is the second time that has happened to me (the first was two years ago). Went to the emergency room, and had a bunch of tests done. It turns out that the blood was from being so ill that I tore some of the small blood vessels in my esophagus, called Mallory-Weiss tear. Yay. So no terrible diseases, just a collection of symptoms. I had had a fair amount to drink the night before this all went down, but the doctors said it wasn't the booze that caused it. However, since then, I have been back off the drinking wagon.

Which caused me to pause and think... this year I have been drinking far less than previously. I think it may be because I am gradually becoming a happier person, or at the very least learning that alcohol doesn't help. In any case, it has resulted in my tolerance dropping severely... one glass of wine with dinner and I am a happy guy... whereas I used to be able to work through a bottle or two with company. So that is a positive.

Olympics. I finally got my volunteer posting for Vancouver 2010. I am going to be a Load Zone Attendant and the Main Media Centre in downtown Vancouver. Not the most glamorous of jobs, but I am looking forward to it nonetheless. I go to the mainland on February 5 to get my uniform and accreditation, and my training will occur somewhere between then and one week later, when the games actually begin. It is definitely exciting, but I have to catch up on my eLearning modules, which I have not been doing, thinking I wasn't going to get a post. *sheepish grin*

The Christmas holidays went well. R came for an extended visit, and we spent time in Vancouver, Victoria and Ucluelet. It was amazing. This is the first Christmas in probably a decade where I have had such a span of time off from work AND school. It was incredibly relaxing. I guess it isn't so bad working for an employer that closes over the holiday season. I did the math... 18 days off in a row. Some of the highlights of my travels was seeing Lindsay and her little one, going to Ucluelet for the first time, Christmas Day in Victoria with the family, and NYE in Vancouver with Liz and Chris, to name a few.

Ok, this post is getting massive, so I am going to break at this point, and let things roll through January.

OK, that sentence made no sense. I am going to continue to post through January. There.

Also, taking a cue from Lindsay, I am going to look at changing my template. This current template with the lonely tree really reflected me as a person about a year ago, feeling lonely and isolated. But I am not that person anymore, so I am going to explore some changes.

I'm out for now.