physical health

So the stress of dealing with the family has finally gotten to the point where it is affecting my physical health.

Since Saturday, I have had an irregular heart beat. As in too fast almost all the time, and too strong. Accompanied by dizziness/lightheadedness. It has been scary and unpleasant, and I was trying to do the whole "mind over matter" bit, but it wasn't working. Then, I returned to work on Tuesday, and worked an hour shift. I felt fantastic - still a bit of dizziness, but nothing nearly as bad as before. Then I got home, and it all hit home again. My nausea returned, the dizziness returned. Again, I tried mind-over-matter, but to no avail. Went to bed early, medicating myself with Benadryl so I would at least sleep. Woke up at 6:40am this morning, as I normally do, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. 9:40am, I shot bolt awake. My heart was going at about 110bpm, and if I looked at my chest, I could SEE my heartbeat. It was extremely scary.

I called the 811 "talk to a nurse line" and they told me to get to a clinic right away. I went in, and the doctor ran down my entire medical history with me, and couldn't find anything. Then he asked me to describe how I felt, and I said "anxious." He kept pushing, and asked me what had happened in the last 10 days. And then Saturday came up, and I nearly burst into tears. I realized that I had been trying to bottle up what happened at my parents that day.

Long story short, I know have stress-induced tachycardia. I have been placed on ten days worth of beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, lower my heart rate, and make it easier for me to sleep. He also said to me "we can't medicate the anxiety out of you, you need to talk to your parents."

I can't talk to my parents. Linds, Claire, you know that that would accomplish nothing. So I called Liz, and she recommended that I go to the counsellors at the University. So I did. For the second time is six months.

Once again, Craig helped me to label what was going on. He also reiterated that as an adult child, I have a right to establish boundaries. He even went so far as to agree with me on the issue of not riding with an inexperienced driver. He said what is causing my anxiety is that I am on the defensive from the issue still. I am to remind myself that it is over. I am entitled to lay boundaries now, and it may have been tough, but as he said "You did it, and you've done good." Which feels really good to say. He also said that at 25, most people's relationships with their parents begin to change, and start to be defined by the child and NOT the parent.

Sometimes, I feel so weak. I struggle so hard to not care about what is happening with Matthew, but this one just completely hit home. And I wasn't able to let it go. I also shouldn't let it go.

I am staring to ramble, but from now on, I need to constructively re-shape the nature of my relationship with my parents and Matthew. Craig suggested that I say to my mother "Mom, there are things that I am able to engage with regarding Matthew, and there are going to some things that I refuse to participate in, and that is just how it is."

I already feel loads better. The tension is leaving my chest and my shoulders, and I feel like having a little bit of a relieving cry. I rented Marley and Me, so that should trigger a bit of a sob, it did in the theatres.

I'm out.

rough waters

It is time of trial and tribulation that I reminded of just how ridiculous I can become.

I got into an argument at my parent's house on Saturday. Everyone was supposed to be having a nice lunch - it was me, Matthew, Mom and Dad. Mom had made a delicious meal, but things got off to a bad start.

Mom and Dad liked a playlist that I had built for a dinner the previous night. So I put it on again. It was a mix of Amici, G4, Il Divo, that kind of thing. Matthew made a couple of derisive comments about its musicality, and as I am learning to stand up for myself more, I finally just turned to him and said "If you don't like it, can you just say so instead of implying it and berating my music selections." He just shot me an evil look and told me to relax. However, he did stop.

But then he asked if he can drive me to my haircut. Matthew just got his license 5 weeks ago. Those of you who know him would understand why I am a bit trepidatious at the idea. He is so distractable, he has NO professional training... so I just said "No, actually. Until you've had a bit more experience I would rather not." I know it is an odd thing to say, but I feel perfectly within my rights saying it. And besides, when I had my license, I couldn't TOUCH the car until I was in Young Drivers'. Stupid double standard.

Anyways, Matthew flies off the handle about how I don't trust him, I've never trusted him, and that all he wanted to do was show me how good he was. Tensions mounted, and I repeated my concerns, and then my Mom weighed in ON MATTHEW'S SIDE! So I stood my ground. And then Dad pipes in that "We can't plan these meals anymore because you two only ever argue, you (pointing at me) are always after your brother, and you two fight about right and wrong."

So I stood up from my plate, went to the kitchen, and said "I'm going upstairs to pack." And then I left the house.

I am SO SICK and TIRED of that crap. Goddamit, I don't need to take it. There is no battle between right and wrong, and I am completely entitled to my opinion. Sorry Mom.

I called the house after an appropriate period of time, and apologized for leaving, but that it was clearly the only way to end the argument. I reiterated how I felt, and got told that "You are not external to this, you created this! All your brother wanted to do was show you how he is doing something right. And you blew it. He will NEVER care about your opinion anymore, or give a CRAP about your approval."

Let's pause for a second: When did Matthew EVER give a crap about ANYTHING or any advice that I have thrown his way? Did I miss something?

Anyways, now Mom and Dad have cancelled their trip to the mainland for my sister's birthday because she and I have 'an agenda.'

So clearly, I am a horrible human being.

I walked out of my parent's house today. Mid-meal. Something in me snapped.

I was supposed to stay the weekend there, and have been there since Thursday night, and a perfectly pleasant afternoon lunch turned into a screaming match. So I left.

And now I am being blamed for causing the problem all together.

I'm aborting this post.

one of the reasons i love the coast

The view from my sometimes-office at the school.

weekend

I have just finished a stretch of many days of both jobs running back to back - tomorrow is my first day off since Easter Monday.

I am looking forward to it. Going to go out to The Gardens and say hello to everyone, probably have lunch, then I am off to spend the evening with my friend Heather. I have not seen her in ages, and we are just going to have a good night and drink a couple of nice bottles of wine. Haircut on Saturday, and then back to Nanaimo on Sunday.

It's gonna be good!

I'm out...

first ever

I got my first ever A+!!!!

In one of my Media Studies courses, we had to propose our grade. I asked for an A/A+ and this is what the professor said:

Hi Dave:

Thanks for the detailed breakdown of your contributions to the course: this is an impressive and realistic list!

While it's rare for me to assign an A+, this appears to be one of those special occasions where inspired contributions beyond the call of duty deserve to be recognized. You got it.

I especially appreciated your willingness to adapt to changing conditions (Tina, last-minute interviews, personnel issues), your thorough and conscientious approach to on-going communications, and your creative contributions to various aspects of the campaign--including becoming the student face of the campaign. Nicely done! You played a major and influential role in shaping this campaign, and demonstrated some excellent leadership skills. I appreciate your involvement very much.

It's been a sincere pleasure to learn with you over the last year, and I hope we'll stay in touch.

Have a great summer!

Marshall

Well, needless to say I am very pleased. I got an A in my other course, and am still waiting for the grades on the Media on Film course, but this term looks like it shaking down to be a very good one! Exams are done, and my stress levels are slowly dropping.

I have been working a lot - I picked up a temporary job at the university. It's in the same office as before, but a bit more responsibility. The President's assistant is on holiday, and I am covering her desk, which is cool. And pays well. Unfortunately, it also means working twelve days in a row without a day off, including many days that are back-to-back between the two jobs. Those are tough.

The roommate is moving out soon, and it is a good thing. The last two nights I have been awoken by what sounds like a cheap porno being made next door. I need to have a chat with him - it's his life, but when I need to get up at 4.30am to open at Starbucks, I don't want to be woken in the middle of the night.

And finally, R is going to be here in a little over two weeks! I am very excited for the visit. A couple of days in Victoria, a day in Vancouver (with tickets to see Les Miserable!) and then the rest of the time puttering about on the island... it will be a welcome respite and change.

Life is good!

And I'm out...

mystery package

I got a mystery package this week, which was full of surprises.


R. sent me a massive box full of easter treats. It took me half an hour to unpack it all, and will take me even longer to consume it all.

It is the unexpected in life that can make it fun.

release

Alright, I've been bottling shit up. Here goes:

Dear Irritation 1: Please move out, now. Get out of my life. Take your piggy, narrow-minded misogynist, racist, homophobic ass out of here. Stop making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Stop peeing on the toilet seat (How DO you get it under the edge of the seat? Wait, don't tell me), stop going out and leaving the door unlocked, stop running around half-naked all the time.

Dear Irritation 2: Please stop making me feel like an idiot all the time. You're life is so good, stop complaining about it.

Dear Irritation 3: Please stop telling me to come to Victoria for family times. I miss family too, but I CANNOT AFFORD THE TRIP OR THE TIME OFF!!!! If you want me, come get me or buy my Greyhound. You don't get to make me feel bad for not living up to family obligations.

Dear Irritation 4: Please stop making me feel like a child.

Dear Irritation 5: Please either promote me, or tell me you won't. I need to know.

Dear Stupid Woman: YOU run a stop a sign, YOU nearly plow into ME, forcing me to RUN INTO THE ROAD to avoid you, and yet you feel you can turn around and yell at me as I walk up the street? YOU want ME to be more careful? Do you know what those octagonal signs mean? You know, the red ones? They mean STOP! As in STOP YOUR CAR YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!!!!

FUCK YOU!!!!

Jumpin' jehosaphat, I'm angry.