physical health

So the stress of dealing with the family has finally gotten to the point where it is affecting my physical health.

Since Saturday, I have had an irregular heart beat. As in too fast almost all the time, and too strong. Accompanied by dizziness/lightheadedness. It has been scary and unpleasant, and I was trying to do the whole "mind over matter" bit, but it wasn't working. Then, I returned to work on Tuesday, and worked an hour shift. I felt fantastic - still a bit of dizziness, but nothing nearly as bad as before. Then I got home, and it all hit home again. My nausea returned, the dizziness returned. Again, I tried mind-over-matter, but to no avail. Went to bed early, medicating myself with Benadryl so I would at least sleep. Woke up at 6:40am this morning, as I normally do, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. 9:40am, I shot bolt awake. My heart was going at about 110bpm, and if I looked at my chest, I could SEE my heartbeat. It was extremely scary.

I called the 811 "talk to a nurse line" and they told me to get to a clinic right away. I went in, and the doctor ran down my entire medical history with me, and couldn't find anything. Then he asked me to describe how I felt, and I said "anxious." He kept pushing, and asked me what had happened in the last 10 days. And then Saturday came up, and I nearly burst into tears. I realized that I had been trying to bottle up what happened at my parents that day.

Long story short, I know have stress-induced tachycardia. I have been placed on ten days worth of beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, lower my heart rate, and make it easier for me to sleep. He also said to me "we can't medicate the anxiety out of you, you need to talk to your parents."

I can't talk to my parents. Linds, Claire, you know that that would accomplish nothing. So I called Liz, and she recommended that I go to the counsellors at the University. So I did. For the second time is six months.

Once again, Craig helped me to label what was going on. He also reiterated that as an adult child, I have a right to establish boundaries. He even went so far as to agree with me on the issue of not riding with an inexperienced driver. He said what is causing my anxiety is that I am on the defensive from the issue still. I am to remind myself that it is over. I am entitled to lay boundaries now, and it may have been tough, but as he said "You did it, and you've done good." Which feels really good to say. He also said that at 25, most people's relationships with their parents begin to change, and start to be defined by the child and NOT the parent.

Sometimes, I feel so weak. I struggle so hard to not care about what is happening with Matthew, but this one just completely hit home. And I wasn't able to let it go. I also shouldn't let it go.

I am staring to ramble, but from now on, I need to constructively re-shape the nature of my relationship with my parents and Matthew. Craig suggested that I say to my mother "Mom, there are things that I am able to engage with regarding Matthew, and there are going to some things that I refuse to participate in, and that is just how it is."

I already feel loads better. The tension is leaving my chest and my shoulders, and I feel like having a little bit of a relieving cry. I rented Marley and Me, so that should trigger a bit of a sob, it did in the theatres.

I'm out.