Happy Halloween!

The did the Mash!!!!

Click here

and now here

and time for a classic

maybe not that bad?

Ok, so maybe things are not as bad as they seem sometimes. Getting it out, however, was a big part of getting over it.

Nothing in life is easy. I guess now that I have figured out the whole 'fear of hidden meaning' thing, it is now time to address it. Hopefully, the other things will fall into place behind it.

things are not good

Once again, I am posting about how 'something is wrong with me.' I am so sick and tired of this feeling. I don't know what brings them, but all I know is that my mood, my self-esteem, and my sense of well-being are being affected by how I feel, and that is in turn affecting my relationships, inside and out of personal life.

Single phrases can send me into a tail spin. For absolutely foolish reasons. I find myself reading into what is REALLY being said, when what is being said IS really what is being said. This tendency is creating real damage. Can I blame my mother? Not 100%... but then it means that is me. And I don't know how to fix me.

I'm worried about my relationship with R. Of all the Sundays in the semester, I have managed to be an ass, be upset, be foolish, or depressed for the majority of them. And this has only started since September. Why Sundays? I can't tell you. But I am worried that I am driving a distance and wedge between us. I'm not able to communicate properly anymore, and I worry about R taking things the wrong way. Nothing is very clear.

Except this: I am not the same person in our relationship that I was even 2 months ago. I've gone from being supportive to being a pin cushion, subconsciously suspicious of every comment, looking for that hidden meaning. It is a testament to R's strength that he keeps me around... I'm driving me nuts, so it must be bad to see this from the outside in.

I don't know how to fix this. The entirely rational part of me can label exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me won't fucking quit. I should be able to identify what is happening, and change it. That's what all the self-help people say, and that is what the counsellor at the school has told me. So how come I can only label, and not handle?

I just don't know.

This Sunday, I am well on my way to wrecking what should be an evening spent together. I am hoping that writing this post will make me feel better... but I have a feeling that the damage has already been done to tonight.

And for that I am sorry. And I am also scared.

And I'm out.

literal video

The concept is that music videos never sing about what is happening... unless someone does a really good cover.

If you don't find yourself smiling and laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.