things are not good

Once again, I am posting about how 'something is wrong with me.' I am so sick and tired of this feeling. I don't know what brings them, but all I know is that my mood, my self-esteem, and my sense of well-being are being affected by how I feel, and that is in turn affecting my relationships, inside and out of personal life.

Single phrases can send me into a tail spin. For absolutely foolish reasons. I find myself reading into what is REALLY being said, when what is being said IS really what is being said. This tendency is creating real damage. Can I blame my mother? Not 100%... but then it means that is me. And I don't know how to fix me.

I'm worried about my relationship with R. Of all the Sundays in the semester, I have managed to be an ass, be upset, be foolish, or depressed for the majority of them. And this has only started since September. Why Sundays? I can't tell you. But I am worried that I am driving a distance and wedge between us. I'm not able to communicate properly anymore, and I worry about R taking things the wrong way. Nothing is very clear.

Except this: I am not the same person in our relationship that I was even 2 months ago. I've gone from being supportive to being a pin cushion, subconsciously suspicious of every comment, looking for that hidden meaning. It is a testament to R's strength that he keeps me around... I'm driving me nuts, so it must be bad to see this from the outside in.

I don't know how to fix this. The entirely rational part of me can label exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me won't fucking quit. I should be able to identify what is happening, and change it. That's what all the self-help people say, and that is what the counsellor at the school has told me. So how come I can only label, and not handle?

I just don't know.

This Sunday, I am well on my way to wrecking what should be an evening spent together. I am hoping that writing this post will make me feel better... but I have a feeling that the damage has already been done to tonight.

And for that I am sorry. And I am also scared.

And I'm out.