The root of all funks

That funk I wrote of is descending upon me once more. So I thought I would just come here and pour out my thoughts. Forgive me if I ramble.

I do actually know what causes these funks. For the first time in my life, I am actually attracted to a person because of who they are. Don't get me wrong, I have been attracted to people before, but it is usually physical and fleeting. However in this case I am attracted to the individual, not just one aspect of them.

But I could never approach this person, so therein lies the problem, the root of my funks. Whenever I think of this person I actually physically ache. My stomach turns, and I get distracted. Whenever I am around this person I get distracted, and flustered, and end up feeling like I am making a fool of myself. But being who I am, where I am, I don't really have an avenue for discussion with any peers. Most people I can talk to tend to make a big deal out of it, and I don't really like that.

Some of this comes down to self esteem issues, I'm sure. If I were more self-assured I could tell this person how I feel. Sure, the rewards would be uncalcuable if they felt the same way, but the potential for long-term damage is too high, and the risks too great.

We had an upper-level student come into our class today to outline the Student Services that are available to us on campus. Perhaps I should make an appointment with a counsellor...

I feel like my silence and inability to express my feelings is going to rip me apart.

I don't let people get to close, which isn't fair to them. It takes me a VERY long time to trust someone, and I shelter aspects of my personality, aspects of me, around different people. And it is exhausting. I always feel like I have to try so hard to fit into any social situation, and I worry that it looks like I am trying so hard. I have far more acquaintances than friends, and most of my social circle is at work, so I cannot be too open with myself.

The even more painful aspect of all of this is that I do it without even thinking about it. I can be having the shittiest day imaginable, and go to work or go for dinner, and there I am: always happy, always ready with a dry, witty remark from my uncomfortably large vocabulary, or an absolutely useless fact about nothing to fill the void. "Look everyone, Dave's here, and look at him work so hard! It's so awkward it's cute!"

I realize that this is not fair to the people I know, and part of me knows that they do not think that way, but that stupid, irrational part of my brain refuses to acknowledge it.

I think what it all boils down to is that I am tired of acting all the time, and tired of being lonely. All I want is somebody to love, and someone to love me, that kind of unspoken feeling that two individuals can share. I have never been able to have a relationship of any depth for one reason or another, and I think that it is starting weigh too heavy on my soul.

I should probable prepare myself to continue to be lonely for at least the next few years of my life.