Weddings

To my faithful readers (thanks Sam!),

The wedding I write about is a co-workers' wedding, not mine, just for clarification.

;-)

You owe me $80, you narrow-minded bigot!

I hate my classmates.

I was reading merrily along in my Media Studies textbook this afternoon, and I turned the page and what do I see?

FAGGOT

JEW

NIGGER

and then the anarchy symbol, scribbled across two facing pages. And there are pages ripped out of the book after that. ASS HOLES! Every single one of them.

I bought that text new in September, and it was $80 dollars. That's 80 bones I don't have right now, so I am going to photocopy the affected and missing pages, and then I am going to have to keep that book, knowing the full while that it has this hate crap written in it.

In the meantime, I have to meet with my Instructor and the Human Rights Office at the school so that the class can attend a lecture on why this is bad.

Ass holes, every single one of them.

Music decided!

The blushin bride JUST called me, and now I can practice in a focused fashion. YAY!

Weddings, papers, articles, readings... AHHH!!!!

Too much happening this week.

Last week I didn't have ANY reading at all for schoo, and I got lulled into a false sense of complacency. Now, all of a sudden I have a paper (2000 words) and an article (400 words) due on Tuesday next week, neither of which I have started. Add a presentation for History due next Thursday, and things start to look a little hectic. Now add a wedding, and a bride who hasn't told me what she is walking down the aisle to, so I can't practice as efficiently as I would want to.

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

White walls and smile cookies

So, I spent all day doing very little, but had a very good day doing very little. I tackled my room with vigor, as I am tired of the way it looks, and right now I am focusing on me as a priority.

I live in building that was built in 1992, so it is modern, and white. Everything is white. The walls, the trim, the edges of the window, the window frame, the shelf in the closet, the light switches, etc. I then had to buy furniture for my room (a bookshelf and a nightstand, which Samara will recognize) as I didn't have anything, so I bought white pressboard crap from Walmart, because I can't stand the fake wood grain they give to that pressboard furniture. And then I bought a white lamp for my room, which I should've thought through but didn't. Add to that the fact that the carpet is a revolting colour that the landlord calls "Dusty Rose" (I swear it is original), a person could just about hurl.

So anyways, I went to bed last night and read my book for a little while, then I set my book down on my ugly white nightstand, and there was an echo. I decided to fix that and warm up my space a little. My resolve was further hardened this morning when I woke up with a blinding headache due to the bright sun streaming throught my white blinds, and bouncing off the white walls. I decided to put up a few posters, but I needed tape. The weather was beautiful, so I decided to walk downtown to buy some tape (it is only about a 15 minute walk).

Well, my sister decided to join me on my walk, and and we meandered down the hill, back packs in tow, and window shopped for a little while. Off we went to Thrifty's and picked up some groceries for the week, and hauled them back up the hill. After all of that, I forgot to buy tape!

So here I sit in my white room, wishing that I had remembered to buy tape. However all was made well by a grand reckoning of all my files (which are a mess) and paying bills, and then a thorough organization of my closet. Finally, I finished off the day with a trip to return a video (3 days overdue!), and stopped at Tim Hortons, and ordered a smile cookie.

If any of you are near a Tim Hortons in the next few days, pick one up. They are delicious, and they donate all the profits to Cops for Cancer Tour de Rock.

Anyways, I must remember to buy tape. I think I'll stick a note in my English textbook and grab some at the school tomorrow.

G'Night!

There's nothing like a good nap

Good lord. After work today I drove up to Nanaimo, and I haven't had such a satisfying nap in a long time (not while I was driving, but once I got there)!

But now my sleep cycles are all messed up, and here I am at 11:30pm working on a blog entry. I think I will put a DVD in my laptop and go to bed.

more emotions

Well here I am. I just finished having coffee, dessert, and a great big long chat with a close friend. It's nice to be able to sit down and chat with someone. As I have said in my previous posts, I can't always talk to people about problems I am having in my life. BUt I have a few very close people that I can talk to about anything that bothers me without worrying about judgement or labelling.

But as I sit here, I find that I am being consumed by the same emotions that have been eating me up for the last few weeks. It just hits without warning.

However, in chatting with my friend, I realized that it is ok for me to go and talk to a counsellor at the school. I think that it could be really relieving to go and speak to someone impartial and neutral.

I think I will make an appointment for this coming week.

Here's to better emotional health!

The mountains are gone

Well, I am in a bit of a better spot that I was a few days ago. Still a little in the dumps, but otherwise doing alright.

The girl in my class (the 17 year old) is backing off a bit, and school is sort off churning along. I'm freaking exhausted, and as I sit here typing, the mountains I usually gaze at have disappeared in a shroud of mist.

Visibility is actually quite low, it is really strange. Anything far away is invisible: Harmac (the stinky mill) and highrise on the waterfront. How odd.

The root of all funks

That funk I wrote of is descending upon me once more. So I thought I would just come here and pour out my thoughts. Forgive me if I ramble.

I do actually know what causes these funks. For the first time in my life, I am actually attracted to a person because of who they are. Don't get me wrong, I have been attracted to people before, but it is usually physical and fleeting. However in this case I am attracted to the individual, not just one aspect of them.

But I could never approach this person, so therein lies the problem, the root of my funks. Whenever I think of this person I actually physically ache. My stomach turns, and I get distracted. Whenever I am around this person I get distracted, and flustered, and end up feeling like I am making a fool of myself. But being who I am, where I am, I don't really have an avenue for discussion with any peers. Most people I can talk to tend to make a big deal out of it, and I don't really like that.

Some of this comes down to self esteem issues, I'm sure. If I were more self-assured I could tell this person how I feel. Sure, the rewards would be uncalcuable if they felt the same way, but the potential for long-term damage is too high, and the risks too great.

We had an upper-level student come into our class today to outline the Student Services that are available to us on campus. Perhaps I should make an appointment with a counsellor...

I feel like my silence and inability to express my feelings is going to rip me apart.

I don't let people get to close, which isn't fair to them. It takes me a VERY long time to trust someone, and I shelter aspects of my personality, aspects of me, around different people. And it is exhausting. I always feel like I have to try so hard to fit into any social situation, and I worry that it looks like I am trying so hard. I have far more acquaintances than friends, and most of my social circle is at work, so I cannot be too open with myself.

The even more painful aspect of all of this is that I do it without even thinking about it. I can be having the shittiest day imaginable, and go to work or go for dinner, and there I am: always happy, always ready with a dry, witty remark from my uncomfortably large vocabulary, or an absolutely useless fact about nothing to fill the void. "Look everyone, Dave's here, and look at him work so hard! It's so awkward it's cute!"

I realize that this is not fair to the people I know, and part of me knows that they do not think that way, but that stupid, irrational part of my brain refuses to acknowledge it.

I think what it all boils down to is that I am tired of acting all the time, and tired of being lonely. All I want is somebody to love, and someone to love me, that kind of unspoken feeling that two individuals can share. I have never been able to have a relationship of any depth for one reason or another, and I think that it is starting weigh too heavy on my soul.

I should probable prepare myself to continue to be lonely for at least the next few years of my life.

Sickness, wiperblades, and dinner out

It has been far too long since my last update. I did travel down to Victoria this past weekend, but my brother was so violently ill that I couldn't stay at my parents place. I stayed with friends on Thursday (thanks Sam!) and my parents got me a hotel room for Friday night, which was totally unnecessary but oh so kind. The only kicker was I didn't have internet access all weekend. The hotel I was in was so quaint that it didn't even have a telephone in the room.

I have two new pairs of pants! Brown cords (so cozy for the coming Fall) and a hot pair of jeans from RW & Co. The only negative thing is I have to have both of them tailored. It makes me feel short when the tailor has to take off about 5 inches of fabric so I don't trip over myself all the time. However, unless there is some sort of genetic thing in my family I am unaware of, I won't be getting taller any time soon.

I nearly got myself into one of my funks this weekend. I was driving down on my own on Thursday, and it was piss-pouring rain the whole way, my wipers were making this terrible "BBERRRUUUUPPPP!!!" noise on every pass, and I nearly died when I hit an invisible puddle at 90km/h and hydroplaned through the damn thing. It took me 2 1/2 hours to get there, but I eventually arrived at my friends house in Victoria, and I was in a foul mood at that point. But the strangest things can change a mood very quickly.

There was a note on their door telling me to join them at a nearby restaurant. It was close enough to walk, so I did. The rain had stopped, and I walked down the street, with crisp fresh fall air blowing gently, to meet my friends, and within minutes I had forgotten my troubles. We had a fantastic dinner, I met a great person, and we played a cool cardgame for a couple of hours before packing it in for the night.

There you go, my weekend in a nutshell!

Get out of my group!

School has been pretty frustrating this week. We got assigned to our Groups in my history class, and I had a really good group until this guy joined the class late and got slapped in our group because we were the smallest.

After class, the prof gave us a few minutes to get to know our group (We need to meet with the prof next week, and she wants us to arrive relatively prepared) and this dude is all like "What the fuck is the teacher talking about? I don't fuckin' understand any of this fuckin' shit. Like, what the fuck does she want?"

I only have one thing to say to this guy: "Get the FUCK out of my group!" We all get along just fine, except for this one downer. Don't get me wrong, I do swear, it's part of being human. But he said "fuck" about 15 times in 2 minutes. Personally, I find that a little excessive. Especially since he would understand what the prof was talking about if he arrived to class on time and actually read the course outline. This promises to be an interesting semester. We have three group projects, and I am NOT bailing his ass out.

And people say I'm judgemental!

Also, it has been raining here for two days straight. It could stop anytime now. I know I wrote about "coffee, coziness and rain," but enough is enough. It just stopped a few minutes ago.

Anyways, I am off to the mall to spend money I don't have (Ah, VISA and Student Loans) on stuff that I need.

Cheers for now!

Coffee, coziness, and rain

What a scholarly morning! I had my first Media Studies lab, and am off to a good start. All we had to do was create our Mal-U student accounts, create an email account and send an email to our instructor. Well, I already had my student account created, and I already have a Hotmail address, so I all I had to do was send an email to the instructor. In and out in 25 minutes.

But here I sit in my bedroom, the rain falling on the roof and blowing against my window, I have a cup of coffee, and the apartment is really cozy. I'm feeling pretty good right now. I have English in an hour, and I don't want to leave the apartment! Not that I don't like English, I just like staring at and listening to the rain. Not to mention the drivers who keep sliding out of control on the sharp corner below my window. Does that make me sadistic?

Anyways, I am going to go back to enjoying the rain (and the accidents! *insert evil laugh here*)

When it comes together, it really all comes together!

Its official, I am out of my funk!

I got up this morning, and the sun was shining, I watched a Woody Allen movie that happened to be on Bravo, and then went ballistic on the apartment. You could eat off the ceiling if you had to!

To boot, today RW & Co is having a sale, (20% off last ticketed price with online coupon), and I happen to have a store credit there. So I am off to Woodgrove to get some stylish new threads for next week. Look out Mal-U!

So, when it all comes together (Woody Allen, the sun shining, a sale at the mall, and the desire to clean) it really all comes together.

Hope you have as great a day as I plan to!

Music makes the people come together...

Good evening to you all. I'm back in Nanaimo now after two days at my job. It feels very odd to go from full-time in a job to part-time, going to work and seeing your replacement sitting in YOUR desk. Of course it's his desk now, but it WAS mine as recently as 10 days ago. I guess a person could say I am experiencing a strange form of jealousy, but not really jealousy.

I really miss my friends. My social circle was at my job, and I have been pretty much disconnected from it, quite suddenly. I made the decision to go back to school in October of 2003, but I guess the reality of it all is just sinking in now. I only know a handful (literally 5) people up here in Nanaimo, which I am sure will change, but it is a strange city to me full of strange faces. If I want to talk to someone I know, I need to either rendevouz with them on MSN, or else make a long distance phone call, which isn't the same as a heart-to-heart good-times chat in person.

I just heard from a friend that I haven't seen in months though, which was nice. She lives in Vancouver and is at UBC right now, and getting to Vancouver from Nanaimo is a snap (and relatively cheap too!). The other good thing is that I ran into a friend at the school that I grew up with (she lived across the street) and I haven't seen her for a VERY long time, so we are going to hook up again, which is really neat.

I think that it is this weird jealousy/loneliness that got me into the funk I was in when I wrote my last blog. The reality of the unfamiliar has finally sunk in, and increased my sensitivity to the world.

I think I'll have to take my own advice and remember to smile. And if you see a a guy sulking at school tomorrow, give him a wave!

Sitting in my little room...working on something good...

I'm sitting in my little room (in Victoria), listening to the White Stripes. A lot of their music is annoying, but no matter what mood I am in their song "Little Room" is pretty much guaranteed to make me smile.

I don't know why this happens to me, but every now and then I manage to work myself into this strange little funk, where I get really depressed and easily annoyed. I don't have the foggiest idea what causes it, but I get pretty stupid. I just start to feel annoyed with every little thing around me. And I have managed to work myself into that funk this evening.

Why, you might ask? I wish I could answer. I don't really want to be here right now, my little room in Victoria is a wreck right now, my house is cold, my brother is being an ass, my mother is being pushy, and I want my own bed back! I never thought I could yearn so much for the Hub City. But I guess anything is possible.

How depressing...

See? There I go! Let the funk begin!

I'm gonna go to bed before I sink any lower!!

AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

One more year!

Well, Mal-U has been more than doubling the size of their library over the summer, and it was supposed to be done for Sept. 1. Then the date got pushed back to Oct. 1. Then, I was reading The Navigator (the student paper), which announced that the Ministry of Advanced Education found $1.7 million to put toward the project, and Mal-U found more money, so they are adding an entire floor!! Now, the completion date has been pushed back to April 2005!

Don't get me wrong, I am all for bettering education, but the libaray is in a state of total chaos right now. And they will be moving all the collections into the new half of the building right in the middle of research papers!

Couldn't the government have found the money initially? I guess it is just one of those things, sort of a double edged sword. The good thing is that the library will be fantastic once they are done. I better do most of my research online!

HBC, NWC, XYC... ABC 123

History! The fundamental facts on which our very country is based on. Colonialism, the Fur Trade, the Timber Trade, the American Revolution, the War of 1812. I had no idea that a person could absorb as much information as I have at my History lecture this morning. The Hudson's Bay Company, the North West Company, the XY Company. And that is just the fur trade!

I must say that the way university teaches a person has got to be the best method I have ever experienced. I mean you read something, make some key notes, and then go to a lecture. It is actually pretty clever. Between reading the text, talking about it in class, making lecture notes, and then working on a research paper, a person ends up handling/processing that information at least 4 times! That is pretty impressive. Almost sneaky. But then again, we are paying to learn, so I aint complaining.

The sun is shining, it's a beautiful day, and I am headed down to Victoria this weekend to work (and see all my friends, which coincidentally are all at work). You are looking at one happy blogger!

Stay tuned for more observations from school in the Hub City!

Here comes my heart attack...

Well, here I sit broken hearted... paid my tuition and only...

Just kidding! School has sprung! Students have been milling around campus, staring intently at their schedules. In the few short days since school has started, I have been introduced to many aspects of school. I have had school food (not bad, considering the Culinary Arts kids started this week), I have met a lot of interesting people, a few rude people, had a school computer crash on me and lose my work, there is a girl with a fairly obvious crush on me, and the coup de gras: I have been almost late for class because of parking. Hence the heart attack.

You must understand that the school I got to (Malaspina) is on the side of a small mountain, and has extremely limited parking. It isn't as bad as I have heard other schools to be, but it isn't great either. I had an 11:30am class, and I left at 11am in my car. The school is three minutes away. I ended parking at the geographically furthest location from my class.

Mal-U has three levels on the mountain: Buildings in the 100 series are at the bottom, 200 in the middle, and 300 on top. My class was on the top floor of Bldg 345, and I was parked next to Bldg 120. And I had ten minutes left before class started. I'll let you readers do the math on that one.

Needless to say I made it with about 30 seconds to spare before the instructor came in. However, the moral of the story is... Walk, carpool, or leave SUPER early.

I'm new to this blogging thing, so here I go blathering on...

Remember everyone... A chain is only as strong as its weakest link, and the planet is only as cheerful as its dimmest smile. So smile and wave at a stranger!