Happy Halloween!

The did the Mash!!!!

Click here

and now here

and time for a classic

maybe not that bad?

Ok, so maybe things are not as bad as they seem sometimes. Getting it out, however, was a big part of getting over it.

Nothing in life is easy. I guess now that I have figured out the whole 'fear of hidden meaning' thing, it is now time to address it. Hopefully, the other things will fall into place behind it.

things are not good

Once again, I am posting about how 'something is wrong with me.' I am so sick and tired of this feeling. I don't know what brings them, but all I know is that my mood, my self-esteem, and my sense of well-being are being affected by how I feel, and that is in turn affecting my relationships, inside and out of personal life.

Single phrases can send me into a tail spin. For absolutely foolish reasons. I find myself reading into what is REALLY being said, when what is being said IS really what is being said. This tendency is creating real damage. Can I blame my mother? Not 100%... but then it means that is me. And I don't know how to fix me.

I'm worried about my relationship with R. Of all the Sundays in the semester, I have managed to be an ass, be upset, be foolish, or depressed for the majority of them. And this has only started since September. Why Sundays? I can't tell you. But I am worried that I am driving a distance and wedge between us. I'm not able to communicate properly anymore, and I worry about R taking things the wrong way. Nothing is very clear.

Except this: I am not the same person in our relationship that I was even 2 months ago. I've gone from being supportive to being a pin cushion, subconsciously suspicious of every comment, looking for that hidden meaning. It is a testament to R's strength that he keeps me around... I'm driving me nuts, so it must be bad to see this from the outside in.

I don't know how to fix this. The entirely rational part of me can label exactly what is going on, but the emotional side of me won't fucking quit. I should be able to identify what is happening, and change it. That's what all the self-help people say, and that is what the counsellor at the school has told me. So how come I can only label, and not handle?

I just don't know.

This Sunday, I am well on my way to wrecking what should be an evening spent together. I am hoping that writing this post will make me feel better... but I have a feeling that the damage has already been done to tonight.

And for that I am sorry. And I am also scared.

And I'm out.

literal video

The concept is that music videos never sing about what is happening... unless someone does a really good cover.

If you don't find yourself smiling and laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.

if i only knew why

So I got the first assignment of the term back. It was my Learning Contract for my digital media course, and I guess I really missed the boat.

I got a C+.

Not the best way to start the term, you say? I would be inclined to agree. I am also frustrated by the comments "Dave, this is good re: assignments, but it is missing the other elements I asked for." Umm... what elements?

One sentence does not justify a C+. Sorry, that just doesn't computer in my books. I went to the slides from that lecture, and there is nothing about elements, and in fact says "There is no fixed format for a learning contract."

Needless to say, I am lost. I am going to make an appointment with the prof, to find out where I went wrong. I may have gapped and missed something completely (it's rare, but has happened before) or else the criteria were unclear, in which case I want a chance to up my grade, or else detailed comments.

I can handle a C+, but I need to know why.

And I'm out.

davelearnsdigi

So, I've done it. I've started another blog.

Dave Ross is pleased to announce the launch of davelearnsdigi.wordpress.com

What is the purpose of this new blog you ask? Well, I need to have a learning journal, as well as document my progress through a couple of components of my DIGI 301 course. I decided to use a Wordpress blog in order to understand a different provider in the Blogosphere.

So check it out every now and then. There will be at least weekly entries on the overall course, as well as (Linds, you'll like this one) "Dave teaches himself digital photography." There will be lost of pretty (and not so pretty) pictures.

http://davelearnsdigi.wordpress.com/

And I'm out.

ugh

So i am in the midst of BUTT-loads of schoolwork. Handed in a two-part 2500-word paper on Friday, another assignment for today, wrote a 1500 word paper on Saturday (for Tuesday) and have to write a 1000-word scene analysis for tomorrow. Lots to do.

But the real conundrum is this. I cut caffeinated coffee out of my diet in the last week of April. I still get the occasional bit of caffeine of course, but have drastically reduced it. It's a good thing, right? I've also been getting 7 hours of a sleep a night, more often 8, trying to to stay ahead of the curve and not exhaust myself, right?

So why the blazes am I falling asleep in an 11.30am class? I even ate a healthy, energy-filled lunch right before class. Sandwich on whole grain bread, banana, granola bar, red grapes, and water...

I'm very puzzled. Anyone have any ideas on how to combat this?

first days and odd moments

So my mother called last night to wish me a "Good first day at school." It was a really weird moment. I mean, I am excited for school to start, as the summer was (believe it or not) starting to become a bit interminable. But at the same time, I'm not going off to Grade 1 with my blue Care Bears lunch box... it just struck me as odd. I'm 26 years old, and entering the last year of my degree. Just seemed odd to be making such a big deal about it. Of course, she was then able to bring up Matthew and HIS school arrangements. Which, as many of you know, I am trying not to give a rat's ass about. Maybe it is all a game? I dunno.

But on another parent-related note, my mother tried to turn Matthew's birthday and mine into a giant shin-dig this Saturday, and were making a big deal about it. And I said no. I have to go to Victoria on Monday, and again the next Saturday, and I really don't feel like doing three same-day round-trips to Victoria over the next 10 days. Wanna know the scary part?

They listened.

I know. I was just as amazed as you are. I did arrange to have dinner with them the Monday night before heading back up-Island... but I did it cause it works for ME. So this is a new first.

And speaking of school... today was the first day! (I'm allowed to be excited about it, apparently). I had my Romantic Literature class first, which went surprisingly well. I was bemoaning the class as the first of my degree, as I am not an enormous fan of the Romantics, but it went really well. The prof is very engaging, the material is not overwhelming, and I think it will be a great course. Then I had Canadian Drama... which is going to be very predictable. It is a very small class, only about 10-12 of us. I'm not a fan of Canadian Lit, and I am pretty sure that that dislike will continue into drama as well. But, head down, I will get it done.

It feels good to start school. I've got something to sink my teeth into. And hopefully, something to update blogs with!

And I'm out.

new-ness

So I have said goodbye to Starbucks. It's a been a great haul, but I had an opportunity come up at the college that I simply could not say no to.

You are looking at the new Administrative Office Assistant in the Office of the Vice-President, Academic. It's a mouthful, I know. But the pay is more than double what I get at Starbucks, the hours are far more agreeable (I make my own hours) and far more compatible with school. I am in a term appointment, which means that I am secure until the end of the current fiscal year (March 31, 2009). 21 hours/week. It's great. And if they like me, and the budget allows it, I could continue beyond that. And if it doesn't, it's not that bad. I am now a proper employee of VIU, not a student employee, meaning that I am passed the closed-shop unionized hiring procedures.

I am going to miss the camaraderie at Starbucks, but not the job really. I think I burned out waiting for the supervisory position to become a reality, clinging onto a hope that I didn't know and couldn't compute. So I was hoping on my own terms, and unfortunately, when you are dealing with a company as large as Starbucks, one can't afford to do that. It just leads to disappointment. I have already told some of the regulars, and they are all saying how disappointed they are to see me go, but very happy that I am moving forward. In fact, one of our regulars (Grande Americano one shot half & half stirred) got chatting with me... her sister works for the Georgia Strait, so I have an 'in' in the Communications world when I am done. Her sister said to give her a call if I am looking to intern and they would see if anything could be arranged. I really should get that regulars' card...

In other news, with my job comes a newly-insured car. That's right, Ruby is back on the road. Since my monthly income has almost doubled, I am taking that luxury back into being. It will remove so much stress from my life: no more shopping at "Quality Foods" (aka Shitty Foods), no more hours spent on the bus getting to the mall just to get dry cleaning, no more missed work to take time for doctor's appointments, and the freedom to do things like take off to the park, or the waterfront, or somewhere else without it being an expedition. Lindsay just had her baby shower, and it KILLED me that I couldn't make it to Victoria to be there because of a stupid shift I couldn't get rid of and the expense and time involved in a round-trip Greyhound ticket.

So that is the latest from Dave. Roger is in Minnesota visiting his family before he starts school mid-August, so with the time difference and family obligations our contact is more fleeting than it has been, which is a definite adjustment, but one that we are both becoming acclimatized to. It will take time, but it can be done. Change, no matter what part of your life it takes place in, always requires adjustment. And if there is one thing that I know about myself, it's that I like things to be the way they are. No change. I always adapt, but the adaptation always takes me a bit longer.

In any case, I am going to try and have a productive morning before heading off to Starbucks this afternoon. We've got a new roommate moving in sometime soon, so I need to clear space in the kitchen and things. Busy busy!

And I'm out.

fun and frugal summer

So that itch hasn't quite gone away, but I am reassessing the need to scratch. I'm just stuck in a 'hobby job.' That is how Roger described it, and I think it is quite apt. While I was in school, Starbucks was not a big deal - the monotony of it all didn't really compute because it was almost my escape from things. Now, it is all-consuming. I am regularly working 35 hours a week, and while I am not complaining, but by the time I hit the 25th hour or so, I am definitely starting to be done with it. I've done the shift-worker part of my life already, and moved beyond it. I am not above doing it while in school, but I need to move on out of it when I am done.

That being said, I have recently slashed my hours at Starbucks. The Office of the Vice-President, Academic at the school has offered me 20/hrs a week until September 15. I accepted. I frankly got kind of tired of waiting for SB to promote me to shift supervisor - they appeared startled when I announced I was only available 3 days a week now, but I view it as their loss. In my eyes, the potential promotion has disappeared. I wouldn't say now if they offered, but I would be incredibly startled if it appeared now. But que sera sera, eh? I have to look out for number one. I earn more than double my Starbucks wage at the school, so I can earn an entire week's salary in half the time. It was a no-brainer.

I am also embarking on a financial reassessment. They are never fun, but I am completing it with encouragement from Roger. The bad news is that I am still in the hole (and probably will be for some time) but my goal is to climb out of living in my overdraft while maintaining the status quo with my bills and credit cards. Once I have cleared the overdraft and built a small cash-buffer, I will focus on lowering my credit card debts. The good news is that all of this is possible - after careful assessment, I am actually spending less than I make right now. So these goals are possible. I just need to look at how I am spending that difference to make sure that I can whittle away at my debts.

In exciting news, Roger was here for another visit over the end of June/early July. We had a great time. It was so good to just hang out around each other without the pressure of 'meeting.' I wasn't able to take any time off, unfortunately, so he spent a lot of time bucketing around Nanaimo, checking out Westwood Lake, down by the Harbourfront, visiting Colliery Dam lakes... but he had a good time, and so did I. We went over to Protection Island and visited the Dinghy Dock Pub, Canada's only floating pub, and just bummed around when I wasn't at work. We went down to Butchart Gardens and saw the first Fireworks show on July 4 - the perfect way to end Roger's visit and to celebrate Independence Day (that part was more of a happy coincidence).

Now I get to look forward to the prospect of a week off with Hannah. We haven't quite decided where we are going to go, but it looks like either a trip up-Island to Hornby, or a roadtrip to Nelson. Either will be welcome. That will be my last 'holiday' of my fun and frugal summer, before school ramps up again on September 8.

All in all, it's been good so far!

And I'm out.

Pics in order from top to bottom:

• Visiting the "Treasures" exhibit at the RBCM.
• Waiting for the ferry to the Dinghy Dock Pub, which incidentally, is a converted lifeboat from the Queen of the North.
• The "Protection Connection" to Protection Island.
• Enjoying the house brew.
• A refreshing drink for Roger on a hot day.
• Departing the Dinghy Dock Pub.
• The view between Newcastle and Protection Islands.
• Visiting with Hannah.

squirmy

I have an itch, but I don't know where to scratch.

dreams

I have been having bothersome dreams lately. Some of them have been extremely persistent... re-starting after a midnight pee-break or an early morning toss/turn.

They feature people and events in my life that have already occurred. They are bothersome because it is usually the bad version of events, how things could've gone wrong, or someone (Lindsay, co-workers, even R.) being mean or negligent when I seek help. In other dreams though, the same individuals will be on my side against whatever blight it is that I am dealing with.

I want them to go away because they are unpleasant, and they are disrupting my sleep. Any ideas?

vacay

So it's over. It's actually been over for a week now. I just have been busy working!

R. arrived for his visit last Tuesday morning. I will admit to being a bit nervous at the airport. There I was, about to pick up a guy that I had never actually met before. We have spent hours chatting on iChat and the like, but to have someone travel 1200 miles to visit you... I have never done that before. We were texting each other on his flights up, as he connected through Seattle. His flight arrived on time, and within moments of him exiting the Arrivals area, any hint of tension was broken as he clandestinely shared the story of the woman who fell down the boarding stairs just before departure, holding things up as all her legal info was collected. It was like two old friends who haven't seen each other in a long time, picking right up where they left off.

We headed into Victoria, and spent a great couple of days there. R. has been to the Capital region before, but never with a resident guide. He got the full tour, the harbour, Ogden Point, my neighbourhood, UVic, Lansdowne, a bit of Oak Bay and some of Esquimalt as well. The places that most tourists don't get to.

We went to The Butchart Gardens on the Wednesday, and had Afternoon Tea there, R's first time. It was delicious as usual, and we had a great table overlooking the Picnic Lawns and the Italian Garden all the way down to Butchart Cove. We wandered around in the rain, as I put on my tour guide hat, and ran into several of my old friends and coworkers there.

Thursday we were off to Vancouver. We had tickets to go see Celtic Thunder at the UBC Thunderbird Stadium. I had not had a great deal of exposure to their music before, but R. didn't want to pass up the chance to see them, so off we went. Transit in Vancouver lived up to expectations, and we enjoyed a couple of good meals on our way to and from. I had wanted to see Linds, but alas, our schedules once again were not copacetic. So we had to make-do with a drop-in hello and a special Starbucks drink instead. Friday R. and I headed back to Nanaimo after seeing some of Vancouver and having breakfast, and then had to turn around and go right back to Vancouver to see Les Miserables on Saturday. We had lunch with Liz and Chris at Caffe Barney on Granville, and went off to the matinee. I wasn't familiar with the plot or music from Les Miserables, although R. has seen it before. It was actually quite good! I would like to see the Broadway version at some point if I am ever near it.

We then spent the rest of R's visit bucketing around Nanaimo and area. We walked the Harbourfront and Swy'a'lana Lagoon, and walked around Piper's Lagoon on a stormy afternoon. Movies were watched, dinners were cooked, and a great time was had by all.

I couldn't have asked for a better holiday, or a better person to spend it with.

yay

My week off has finally arrived!

Off to Victoria today, then meeting R at the airport tomorrow, and then nothing to do till Sunday.

:)

And, my heart is improving as well. So things are good!

And I'm out.

physical health

So the stress of dealing with the family has finally gotten to the point where it is affecting my physical health.

Since Saturday, I have had an irregular heart beat. As in too fast almost all the time, and too strong. Accompanied by dizziness/lightheadedness. It has been scary and unpleasant, and I was trying to do the whole "mind over matter" bit, but it wasn't working. Then, I returned to work on Tuesday, and worked an hour shift. I felt fantastic - still a bit of dizziness, but nothing nearly as bad as before. Then I got home, and it all hit home again. My nausea returned, the dizziness returned. Again, I tried mind-over-matter, but to no avail. Went to bed early, medicating myself with Benadryl so I would at least sleep. Woke up at 6:40am this morning, as I normally do, and then rolled over and went back to sleep. 9:40am, I shot bolt awake. My heart was going at about 110bpm, and if I looked at my chest, I could SEE my heartbeat. It was extremely scary.

I called the 811 "talk to a nurse line" and they told me to get to a clinic right away. I went in, and the doctor ran down my entire medical history with me, and couldn't find anything. Then he asked me to describe how I felt, and I said "anxious." He kept pushing, and asked me what had happened in the last 10 days. And then Saturday came up, and I nearly burst into tears. I realized that I had been trying to bottle up what happened at my parents that day.

Long story short, I know have stress-induced tachycardia. I have been placed on ten days worth of beta blockers to lower my blood pressure, lower my heart rate, and make it easier for me to sleep. He also said to me "we can't medicate the anxiety out of you, you need to talk to your parents."

I can't talk to my parents. Linds, Claire, you know that that would accomplish nothing. So I called Liz, and she recommended that I go to the counsellors at the University. So I did. For the second time is six months.

Once again, Craig helped me to label what was going on. He also reiterated that as an adult child, I have a right to establish boundaries. He even went so far as to agree with me on the issue of not riding with an inexperienced driver. He said what is causing my anxiety is that I am on the defensive from the issue still. I am to remind myself that it is over. I am entitled to lay boundaries now, and it may have been tough, but as he said "You did it, and you've done good." Which feels really good to say. He also said that at 25, most people's relationships with their parents begin to change, and start to be defined by the child and NOT the parent.

Sometimes, I feel so weak. I struggle so hard to not care about what is happening with Matthew, but this one just completely hit home. And I wasn't able to let it go. I also shouldn't let it go.

I am staring to ramble, but from now on, I need to constructively re-shape the nature of my relationship with my parents and Matthew. Craig suggested that I say to my mother "Mom, there are things that I am able to engage with regarding Matthew, and there are going to some things that I refuse to participate in, and that is just how it is."

I already feel loads better. The tension is leaving my chest and my shoulders, and I feel like having a little bit of a relieving cry. I rented Marley and Me, so that should trigger a bit of a sob, it did in the theatres.

I'm out.

rough waters

It is time of trial and tribulation that I reminded of just how ridiculous I can become.

I got into an argument at my parent's house on Saturday. Everyone was supposed to be having a nice lunch - it was me, Matthew, Mom and Dad. Mom had made a delicious meal, but things got off to a bad start.

Mom and Dad liked a playlist that I had built for a dinner the previous night. So I put it on again. It was a mix of Amici, G4, Il Divo, that kind of thing. Matthew made a couple of derisive comments about its musicality, and as I am learning to stand up for myself more, I finally just turned to him and said "If you don't like it, can you just say so instead of implying it and berating my music selections." He just shot me an evil look and told me to relax. However, he did stop.

But then he asked if he can drive me to my haircut. Matthew just got his license 5 weeks ago. Those of you who know him would understand why I am a bit trepidatious at the idea. He is so distractable, he has NO professional training... so I just said "No, actually. Until you've had a bit more experience I would rather not." I know it is an odd thing to say, but I feel perfectly within my rights saying it. And besides, when I had my license, I couldn't TOUCH the car until I was in Young Drivers'. Stupid double standard.

Anyways, Matthew flies off the handle about how I don't trust him, I've never trusted him, and that all he wanted to do was show me how good he was. Tensions mounted, and I repeated my concerns, and then my Mom weighed in ON MATTHEW'S SIDE! So I stood my ground. And then Dad pipes in that "We can't plan these meals anymore because you two only ever argue, you (pointing at me) are always after your brother, and you two fight about right and wrong."

So I stood up from my plate, went to the kitchen, and said "I'm going upstairs to pack." And then I left the house.

I am SO SICK and TIRED of that crap. Goddamit, I don't need to take it. There is no battle between right and wrong, and I am completely entitled to my opinion. Sorry Mom.

I called the house after an appropriate period of time, and apologized for leaving, but that it was clearly the only way to end the argument. I reiterated how I felt, and got told that "You are not external to this, you created this! All your brother wanted to do was show you how he is doing something right. And you blew it. He will NEVER care about your opinion anymore, or give a CRAP about your approval."

Let's pause for a second: When did Matthew EVER give a crap about ANYTHING or any advice that I have thrown his way? Did I miss something?

Anyways, now Mom and Dad have cancelled their trip to the mainland for my sister's birthday because she and I have 'an agenda.'

So clearly, I am a horrible human being.

I walked out of my parent's house today. Mid-meal. Something in me snapped.

I was supposed to stay the weekend there, and have been there since Thursday night, and a perfectly pleasant afternoon lunch turned into a screaming match. So I left.

And now I am being blamed for causing the problem all together.

I'm aborting this post.

one of the reasons i love the coast

The view from my sometimes-office at the school.

weekend

I have just finished a stretch of many days of both jobs running back to back - tomorrow is my first day off since Easter Monday.

I am looking forward to it. Going to go out to The Gardens and say hello to everyone, probably have lunch, then I am off to spend the evening with my friend Heather. I have not seen her in ages, and we are just going to have a good night and drink a couple of nice bottles of wine. Haircut on Saturday, and then back to Nanaimo on Sunday.

It's gonna be good!

I'm out...

first ever

I got my first ever A+!!!!

In one of my Media Studies courses, we had to propose our grade. I asked for an A/A+ and this is what the professor said:

Hi Dave:

Thanks for the detailed breakdown of your contributions to the course: this is an impressive and realistic list!

While it's rare for me to assign an A+, this appears to be one of those special occasions where inspired contributions beyond the call of duty deserve to be recognized. You got it.

I especially appreciated your willingness to adapt to changing conditions (Tina, last-minute interviews, personnel issues), your thorough and conscientious approach to on-going communications, and your creative contributions to various aspects of the campaign--including becoming the student face of the campaign. Nicely done! You played a major and influential role in shaping this campaign, and demonstrated some excellent leadership skills. I appreciate your involvement very much.

It's been a sincere pleasure to learn with you over the last year, and I hope we'll stay in touch.

Have a great summer!

Marshall

Well, needless to say I am very pleased. I got an A in my other course, and am still waiting for the grades on the Media on Film course, but this term looks like it shaking down to be a very good one! Exams are done, and my stress levels are slowly dropping.

I have been working a lot - I picked up a temporary job at the university. It's in the same office as before, but a bit more responsibility. The President's assistant is on holiday, and I am covering her desk, which is cool. And pays well. Unfortunately, it also means working twelve days in a row without a day off, including many days that are back-to-back between the two jobs. Those are tough.

The roommate is moving out soon, and it is a good thing. The last two nights I have been awoken by what sounds like a cheap porno being made next door. I need to have a chat with him - it's his life, but when I need to get up at 4.30am to open at Starbucks, I don't want to be woken in the middle of the night.

And finally, R is going to be here in a little over two weeks! I am very excited for the visit. A couple of days in Victoria, a day in Vancouver (with tickets to see Les Miserable!) and then the rest of the time puttering about on the island... it will be a welcome respite and change.

Life is good!

And I'm out...

mystery package

I got a mystery package this week, which was full of surprises.


R. sent me a massive box full of easter treats. It took me half an hour to unpack it all, and will take me even longer to consume it all.

It is the unexpected in life that can make it fun.

release

Alright, I've been bottling shit up. Here goes:

Dear Irritation 1: Please move out, now. Get out of my life. Take your piggy, narrow-minded misogynist, racist, homophobic ass out of here. Stop making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Stop peeing on the toilet seat (How DO you get it under the edge of the seat? Wait, don't tell me), stop going out and leaving the door unlocked, stop running around half-naked all the time.

Dear Irritation 2: Please stop making me feel like an idiot all the time. You're life is so good, stop complaining about it.

Dear Irritation 3: Please stop telling me to come to Victoria for family times. I miss family too, but I CANNOT AFFORD THE TRIP OR THE TIME OFF!!!! If you want me, come get me or buy my Greyhound. You don't get to make me feel bad for not living up to family obligations.

Dear Irritation 4: Please stop making me feel like a child.

Dear Irritation 5: Please either promote me, or tell me you won't. I need to know.

Dear Stupid Woman: YOU run a stop a sign, YOU nearly plow into ME, forcing me to RUN INTO THE ROAD to avoid you, and yet you feel you can turn around and yell at me as I walk up the street? YOU want ME to be more careful? Do you know what those octagonal signs mean? You know, the red ones? They mean STOP! As in STOP YOUR CAR YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT!!!!

FUCK YOU!!!!

Jumpin' jehosaphat, I'm angry.

sadness

I have to learn to stop holding on to hope sometimes. I applied for a job with Harbour Air, had a reference from their Director of Corporate Marketing, an excellent reference from The Gardens, and yet... I didn't get it.

That is the FOURTH job in six months that I haven't been successful in applying for. What am I doing wrong? People say that I am over-qualified for student-level jobs, but that isn't fair. Just cause I am over-qualified doesn't mean I can't do the job. If I remove my over-qualified experience from my resume, then it looks like I haven't worked for five years.

I was really counting on that job, I think more than I was letting myself believe. I hope Starbucks can promote me and cough up more hours for the summer...

It is also in moments like this I want company, but I look around and there is none to be had. So instead of getting this out of my system with a walk and coffee with a friend, I am going to do housework. Alone. Again.

Grump.

importance

Lindsay posted her Show and Tell over on her blog, and it got me to thinking about the important events in my life. And, in connection with Lindsay's post about her wedding invitations, I thought that I would post one of the important events in my life, which was participating in Lindsay's wedding.







As you can see, Lindsay and I have a friendship that goes WAY back into Grade 11 for both us. We even dated for, oh, what was it Linds? About 10 days? I distinctly remember a Halloween at your house and I was so nervous and terrified at the same time. Needless to say, Lindsay and I were not meant to be, not in the dating sense of the word.


We've remained very good friends throughout the years, and our friendship has involved other people as well. As time pass, some friendships grow and change, and Lindsay's and mine has gotten very strong. One of the greatest honours I have had was being asked to be the emcee at her wedding.



I had never been an emcee, but I will vivdly remember each and every moment of it, and I wish I could remember the speech I delivered. I hope it was as warm hearted and caring as I remember.

Helping get the guest list ready the night before...

Toasting the happy couple...


And dancing with the bride...

To friends, may they be as important always as they are now.

interesting thought

On the cups at work, they have these saying they call "The Way I See It." I pass out hundreds of these each week, but rarely read them. However, one caught my attention, "The Way I See It #76":

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

- Anne Morriss (Starbucks Customer)

The quote just seemed to grab me a bit, because when you read it a few times, it starts to sink in that that is exactly what happens.

Just thought I would share.

urban dictionary

So the latest thing is to look up your name at urbandictionary.com and see what comes up. My results, are, I think, pretty spot on.

1. A term used to refer to the coolest person in a group.

2. The name you use when you can't think of a person's name

3. Everyone knows a Dave. Daves are, as a rule, people to ask about something, whether it be plumbing, horseracing, astronomy or computers. Daves, like Steves, are "solid blokes".

4. Beloved

5. Better than David

6.The Model of Perfect. No man can come close to the glory of that which is Dave. Dave's are artistic and funny always knowing how to lay down a good massage. Skills that come with Dave include major dexterity in all matters and extentions of limbs and the what not. Daves have the largest units, brains, and balls. Don't mess with a Dave.

Hehehe.

Let's see what you got!

more

I think I need to add to the post below, cause it seems a little bit low.

I am looking forward to the weekend. And well yes, I do feel myself sliding into my weekend-buddy more commonly known as an emotional funk, I also feel like I am not sliding in so deep. I have good people in my life, and some of those people have great news.

This is a good time. Let's focus on that.

home

Just got in from work, and had a very difficult day. Aside from the usual emo-crap, they also decided to change all the air filters in the HVAC systems on my floor today... so my allergies kicked into high gear, and I had to leave early... so lost some pay. :'(

But, the weekend is here, and I am looking forward to it. Tonight, I get to spend some time with R. It's gonna be good!

Cheers to beers! (And a refreshing elder-flower water for Linds)

And I'm out...

Reading Week

So Reading Break came and went, and guess what? I actually READ! Not for school, but for fun! I finished off "Foreskin's Lament - A Memoir" by Shalom Auslander and "What was she thinking? Notes on a Scandal" by Zoë Heller. Both were interesting reads, and my goodness, it was nice to be able to just relax for week.

On Thursday, Mom and Dad came up from Victoria, brought me my mail, my violin, and then we headed back down-island (I got to drive. Nanaimo had a freak foot of snow overnight on Wednesday, and Dad has had cataract surgery so Mom didn't want to drive both ways). We had a nice dinner on Thursday night, and a cranberry/apple/brie-stuffed phyloo pastry appetizer... yum.

Friday saw me getting up and going to UVic to see an advisor about possibly returning. The information wasn't good, it also wasn't bad. I am considering it still, but still not 100% settled. I went home, did a bunch of household work for the parents, including moving a cubic metre of pea gravel from the back of the minivan into Milton's paddock, and moving filing cabinets around.

And see, this is where the worry about Victoria comes into play... I am the good son. I am the one who DOES this kind of stuff. Matthew is around, but my Mom is constantly making excuses about why he isn't able to pitch in more. Frankly, it's because he puts his energies into other pursuits, and sleeps when he is at home. And I don't want to be the good son again - that is one of the reasons I left for Nanaimo. In any case, doing all that reminded me as to why I am up here.

Anyways, had beer with some of my old co-workers on Friday night, lunch with a friend on Saturday, and then off to Vancouver in the afternoon. I flew with Harbour Air (I had a free ticket). It was beautiful! I have never seen Victoria from the air like that before. Glad I was able to do it.

Sunday, I went to East Van for my Creating 2010 Volunteer Orientation. It was really interesting. We had our placement interviews, group activities, and a general orientation. I also got a 2" binder of take-home materials, and a DVD of e-Learning modules. The scope of the games is enormous - 25,000 volunteers, 5,500 athletes, etc. It is the equivalent of running the Stanley Cup, Super Bowl and Grey Cup every day for 15 days. I can't imagine the logistics.

We did have to put up with some claptrap, as evidenced by these two videos.







Not sure about the lyric choice on the torch relay, but that is just me...

Unfortunately, now, it is back into the thick of things. Although, the way my work schedule has landed this week, I have a good deal of free time to deal with things. I am also not getting as many hours as I need, and so things are, predictably, stressfully tight. However, I did win a $500 bursary from the school, which I can collect on Monday. That will provide some welcome relief and food!

Wow, talk about a lengthy and boring update!

I have spent this morning watching Star Trek and The Producers. Yep, I am that much of a nerd...

And I'm out...

do i always need a title?

Man, coming up with blog titles is difficult sometimes!

Well, despite all the excitement on Friday night at work, I survived. Life marches forward for all I guess. But, the best part of my weekend was yet to come.

I had probably the most amazing Valentine's Day I have ever had. I mean, V-Day is hard to quantify as an adult, cause it hearkens back to memories of those books of cards and paper bags taped to the front of desks, but as an adult it takes on different meanings. In any case, I spent 14 hours in the company of R (Linds, yes, it's an R too), and enjoyed every moment of it, and I am reasonably certain he did too. Admittedly, the 2000+ miles that separate us were a bit of an obstacle, but the wonders of the internet made up for it. We just literally hung out, talking, made lunch and dinner together, and just thoroughly enjoyed each others company. We 'met' again for lunch on Monday, and just hung out, even more literally than before. He sat there on my screen just being "in the room" reading his book, while I did my reading for midterms. Did the same thing on Tuesday night. I am really enjoying the fact that we can simply 'be' - there is no pressure to entertain or perform for the other party. I am finally feeling a connection with someone, and remembering what a good feeling it is to have. We have a lot of similar interests, but some dissimilar ones as well, which I believe is a healthy part of any friendship.

Clearly, this (and I can't really define 'this' right now) is new territory for me (distance and all), and it is new for him as well. But right now, it works. And that is fine for me.

Another thing that I have been struggling with is hard drive space. R and I have been exchanging a lot of music, and my hard drive is filling up! So I decided to peel off some of my massive collection of photos, which are mostly archival anyways, and I got looking through my collection.

What do you do with pictures of past boyfriends?

Obviously, none of these relationships was a waste, but I feel like I am keeping them as some sort of reminder? I went through and culled the silly ones, because I feel they don't matter as much, but what about the two of you on a birthday dinner? I am having trouble finding a defining line, but at the same time, am strangely ambivalent about it. It's odd.

Anyways, those are my musings!

I'm out...

uh, what?

So we always joke at work about how Harewood is a bad neighbourhood, calling it Scarewood, etc. I admit, that when I walk home late at night, I don't listen to my iPod, and try to have someone on the phone with me when I do. However, nothing serious has happened...

Until tonight. We heard a kerfuffle in the parking lot next to the drive thru, and there were these girls running and screaming through the parking lot, but we couldn't tell what was happening, and it was Friday night, so we dismissed it. 20 seconds later, they come tearing in the front door, one girl is sobbing, her face is completely bashed in, and there is blood all over her face and her front, and dripping on the floor. Customers got up, the two girls I was working with ran over, and I grabbed the phone and called 9-1-1 for an ambulance. Meanwhile, this woman is sobbing terribly. Ambulance dispatcher asks to speak with the girl who is with the beaten one, so I give the phone over. I notice a cop car pulling up outside, so I snap my fingers to get one of the girls attention, and send her out (the cops are always around, it is a coffee shop after all). Well, the cope acted like she was all inconvenienced. The phone is now handed over the cop, and the one accompanying girl is like "Don't tell the cop! We don't want them after us!" and being all attitude. There is so much noise and racket, between the girl crying and the cop trying to get information, and freakin' Frank Sinatra belting "New York, New York" on the background music... meanwhile, people are STILL ORDERING DRINKS!!!!

In any case, the night settled down, and all ended well. It was just my first brush with the 'dark' side of Harewood. Hopefully there aren't many more!

PS: We all decided to try and wear the same look, and it looks pretty darned cute, I must say!

how do i love thee, let me count the ways...

Oh Nanaimo... this is the only city I can think of where you can smell poop from the mill, nearly walk in dog shit (twice, and yes, right on the sidewalk) and step in a puddle of puke (also in the middle of the sidewalk) in the span of about 5 minutes...

There are so many reasons to stay here, don't you agree?

Anyways, in regards to my earlier post, I was asked the question "Are you leaving because of a need to slip back into a comfort zone, or to flee the feeling of loneliness?" And to be completely honest, I am not sure. There are probably elements of both in my situation. I don't want to give anyone the impressions that I have decided to move - cause I haven't.

This part of my life is a new chapter for me. I've had a lot of new chapters, and I am not sure that I like this one in particular. I feel a bit like I am blundering through this one... However, any decision making that needs to be done will be done in due course. In the meantime, I am just living my life.

Admittedly, poo-smell, dog shit and puke don't really add up to a pleasant experience, but hey, instead of getting angry at the city, all I did was produce a type of rueful chuckle and kept going to school.

School today has been, interesting. In my one course, the project we are working on takes a lot of time, but we don't have a lot of direction. Lots of meetings with classmates outside of the regular class hours, but it's ok. I came up to the school today, got lost trying to find the student lounge I was meeting my group in, and then found them in another building. I then moved on to lunch, and then was supposed to have another meeting... that got cancelled. So I had to kill a couple of hours, tried to find dinner. The cafeteria had a single portion of Veggie Lasagna left - so I ate it. Probably won't agree with me later, but there we are.

My Media on Film class starts in about five minutes, so I should probably wrap this up. We are watching The Great Dictator tonight. Charlie Chaplin as Hitler. It should be interesting at the very lease.

I feel like I have a lot to say in my life right now, just need to find the time and the words to get it out.

quiet thanks

I had a terrible weekend. Saturday was spent indoors, sleeping in, feeling sorry for myself. It got worse when I got into a convo with one of the exes that was really really upsetting me. I could feel myself sliding into a bit of an emotional pit, and I was clawing desperately at something to not have it happen, but alas, I couldn't prevent it.

I watched a movie, then watched another movie, and in the middle of the second movie, I started crying for some odd reason. Which turned into sobbing, which turned into bawling, which turned into the hyperventilating-panicky crying when you just cannot stop. I ended up curled up on my bed, sobbing. I haven't been in such a dark place in a very long time, and it just reinforced how fragile I can be sometimes, and it is honestly something that scares me. I have been so moody lately, and it is not a feeling a like. I can literally go from 'fine' to 'fuck off' in 5 minutes flat. My grandfather had similar traits, and I don't want that, I don't like them.

However, the reason for the quiet thanks is this. Hannah talked me down over iChat in the middle of my lowest point, offering words of encouragement when they were needed most, and I felt like there was no one else that I could talk to. I owe her a gratitude for that. I also owe RH thanks - I have quickly learned that he is amazing at delivering little tidbits that prop me back up when I am feeling low, which has admittedly been quite a bit lately. His advice is never patronizing, nor 'lecturing,' just good solid words. It's like he holds up a mirror so I can see exactly what I am saying, and also reflects how much strength I actually have. It is people like these, and Linds and Claire and I am sure others that I am forgetting, that are always content to listen, and for that I give quiet and humble thanks.

It is that strength that is ebbing. I am running out of the chutzpah to stay here in Nanaimo. This city is so difficult to exist in, especially without my car. My finances are strained to the breaking point, and I have no friends here. No one that I can talk to, no one that I can go for a walk with, just classmates. I feel like a prisoner in my own townhome - my life is confined to 7 square blocks. It's 0.8 miles to work, and 0.9 to school. That is my life. I can always count on my brother in law for support, but I can't let things fly in front of him - the Dave filter gets switched on, and I start tempering my language, and downplaying how I am feeling.

So I am using this blog to say this: I am extremely unhappy here. That sums it up. I am still mulling my options, but I might just bail back to Victoria at the end of this term, or partway through the summer. I applied for a part-time job at the school, which would increase my income, easing the financial stress and allowing me to operate my car again, which would make this city more bearable in the short term. But if the job falls through (and I have a feeling it may have already), I will likely be back in Victoria soon.

I feel like "the grass is always greener" is kicking in here... again. But being here is stressing me out, and my temper runs shorter and shorter with each passing week. And I am drinking more...

Here is my logic for moving:

Nanaimo:
- No car
- Earn $1000/month tops
- Spend $1000/month
- Know no one
- Frustration abound

Victoria:
- Could slip back into the job at UVic in the blink of eye (thanks to union seniority) at $14+/hour
- I have a support network there
- Could transfer to a Starbucks there
- Live on my own

I realize this list seems cursory, and it is. But at this point, I don't know what feels right anymore. I can remember a time when Nanaimo felt right.

Linds, your the Virgo... any advice?

I am done with the emotional rollercoaster for now. I need to knuckle down and get some schoolwork done. But I just needed to put this all out there.

And be reminded of the important people that step into my life and change it.

hello from the backroom

It's true, for those of you who need proof... I have become a Starbucks boy. The only one at my store, actually. All that high-up and heavy stuff on the shelves? That's why I'm there...

interior

I spent this past weekend doing very little. Naturally, there was some beer at the pub on Friday. And then a movie... and then pizza... and more beer. Then the remembering that I worked at 8am on Saturday morning. I slogged my way into work, and then I moved on with the day. A one hour nap turned into a two hour nap... which turned into a groggy evening at home for Dave.

Sunday saw me doing errandy-type stuff, reading for class, and getting Chris from the ferry terminal. All told, it was a very quiet and low-key weekend. I also considered reorganizing my room yesterday, but I will have to see how the week progresses before I expend any energy on
that particular department.

I have also spent a significant portion of the weekend (and indeed, the last few weeks) speaking with a particular individual, a person who makes me feel really good about myself. I hope that I have the same effect on them as well. I have been "juggling" how that makes me feel, and I continue to juggle it. It is not a bad thing, by any means... just new territory for me to navigate, emotionally speaking. You know who you are, and I know you are reading this, and I just hope
that it makes sense. I used to censor my blog - but that was one of my promises I made to myself when I re-started the blog a few months ago, to no longer censor myself to match my potential audience.

In any case, I have schoolwork left to do, and the parents are coming to visit this afternoon, gonna take Chris and I out for dinner, so I should get cracking!

weekend bonus!

I just learned that not only do I get to see Lindsay this weekend, I get to see Claire too!

SUPER BONUS!

Has there EVER been a stair gang reunion of this size on the lower mainland? What will transpire?

I will have to put on my Assistant Dean of Nerdiness cap and figure something out...

vancouver

It's been almost a week since I posted. Geez! I need to work on that...

I got up early this morning, and went to Vancouver. Nice, leisurely and beautiful sailing across the straits, and a nice calm bus ride into downtown Vancouver. It is eerily beautiful here right now - all the highrises are swarthed in a misty heavy fog, but the sun is streaming through in these immensely powerful shafts of light. I have dropped my bags at Linds' office (thanks for the Bag Check service Linds!) and am just sitting in a Starbucks (surprise surprise) enjoying my Grande with-room Americano. Now, anywhere I go, I pretty much look for a Starbucks; after all, it keeps my expenses down!

This 'Bucks is in the basement of one of the Bentall Centre towers, Bentall IV I believe. These buildings are the definition of International-style hideousness on the outside, but their retail areas in the basements have been given a tidy makeover over the last few years. But I experienced something interesting on my way down here today.

There is a woman cleaning the escalators. It is a job I never even thought of. She has been cleaning them for twenty minutes. I continue to watch her clean, and continue to watch the general public pretend she isn't there. The escalators are quite narrow, and she just sits down with her feather duster on the balustrade between the up/down sides, wiping finger prints and scuffs off the side panels. People cannot walk past her (and there are wont to do in Vancouver), so they just stand right behind her squat form, checking their watch or consulting their Blackberries (Bentall is like financial centre. Each of the towers is a bank. I am under the TD Canada Trust, RBC is across the street).

I am not meaning to say that these people are deliberately ignoring her, but perhaps they are as shocked as I am at the very presence of an escalator cleaning woman. I guess it is something that happens all over the world, and a clean escalator is something that we ALL take for granted. Do you ever have those moments where you are surprised and learn something new, even though it is completely and utterly logical?

productivity

Today is going to be a productive day. I have decided. It is beautiful out - the sun is shining, there is hoar frost all over the place, and it is day that demands I go outside. Gonna get me some fresh air!

And run some errands... groceries, finally get all my prescriptions transferred, get a list of doctors who are accepting new patients, get some pants hemmed. It's gonna be a good day.

And, I am bringing my camera... perhaps I will get some photos taken. I've got a bit of an itch!

change of plans

Is defeatedly optimistic a feeling?

I sat down this morning and did my budget for this semester. Due to the semester from hell, my student loans have gone to keeping creditors off my back. That leaves not a lot of money for other things, like groceries.

So basically, I can't actually afford to keep the four-course course load I have planned. So, I am dropping one more course, which leaves me with three. Believe me, I am not thrilled with the idea, but at the same time, it is simply a reality.

With all of the changes in my life since 2004, forth and back with different life goals, I have assumed the responsibilities of a life after education before having an education. My monthly expenses at the moment make it difficult to pay the car payment, pay the VISAs, pay the phone bill, rent, etc. So I just need to scale back my plans.

I am glad that I sat down and figured this out. I refuse to put myself through what I did this past semester. However, I will not give up on my plan. I will just soldier on, and learn new things and experience things I want to do along the way.

Here is to an amended 2009!

falling apart

So nothing can ever be right in my life, or at least it seems like that sometimes.

The air up here is SO dry and it is absolutely wreaking havoc on my skin. And I am allergic to every single cleaner at Starbucks, and my arms are SO FREAKING DRY AND ITCHY and I scratch them in my sleep and I just cannot heal! My hair is practically crispy, the dandruff I used to have growing up has reasserted itself, AND my eczema refuses to cooperate. AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

So as I flake, scratch, and crumble into non-existance, I am slowly going crazy trying not to scratch.

Dave's meme

Ok, so I thought it was MY turn to start something.

And I don't even know if this is a meme, or perhaps just a challenge.

I want everyone to locate the song that most encapsulates how they have been feeling of late. Don't analyze, just pick the song that you have been listening to, or deriving pleasure from, etc.

Find it YouTube, and put it on your blog. It doesn't have to be the music video for the song, I am more interested in the lyrics. As evidenced by my selection below, sometimes you just can't find the video.

My song is "I'm on Standby" by Grandaddy.

where the hell?

I know everyone has likely already seen this video, but I stumbled across it again today. "Where the hell is Matt?" is such a good video, and is designed to pull at the heartstrings. Don't get me wrong, it tugs at mine too (and thanks to my media studies courses, I have better understanding of why... it's the music.)

Anyways, in rewatching it, I realize that it does have a larger meaning or subtext - basically, that regardless of nationality, political allegiances, language barriers, etc that we can all dance. Or in truer terms, that regardless of where we are, we are all human beings. I think that is something that well forget from time to time. I can think of a few world leaders who could watch this...

So for those who haven't seen it yet, or simply want to rewatch it, here it is.

Happy New Year!

A yank on your ear for the first of the year!

Happy New Year everyone!